How We Started
Call to Pray
By mid-August, I was ready to explode with frustration. I knew what I believed God was telling me, but did not want to go down that road one more time. My desperation led me to call a friend and mentor from our church in seminary, John Ryan. John planted a church in St. Louis in 1998, and I felt he might offer some clarity to my struggles. After sharing my story, he invited us to come for a visit so Christin and I could talk to him and his wife.
Our visit a few weeks later proved to be the clearing and direction we needed. I believe Christin and I left that weekend more united in our hearts than we have ever been. Calling our family and closest friends to prayer, we started 30 days of prayer to know one thing—no details, no other questions allowed—only, “God, are we to plant a church?” We knew if we were confident in God’s answer, we had to follow. God used John and Fran to simplify and clarify our prayers that we might know God’s leading without distraction.
Two Defining Convictions
Two-and-a-half weeks into that season of prayer God struck me with two defining convictions. First, pride was in control in my life. I was confronted with the question, “Is my life, as it is now, too great to give for God?” I knew the answer: no. I did not want to look stupid or hurt my pride, but more than anything, I didn’t want my wife or my children to suffer for my bad decision, stupid dream, or selfish desire. I have experienced humiliation before, and probably will again, but I did not want to sacrifice my family. I bargained with God by saying, “God, you can have me, but protect my family from anything that might harm them” as if I could control whether my wife and kids suffer. They are not mine; they are God’s. I do not determine their safety; he does. My prayer changed from their safety and provision to God’s sovereignty.
Second, faith was not a vital part of my everyday life. After countless affirmations, I was asking God, “How many affirmations does it take to equal a confirmation?” His answer was both simple and the greatest testing of my life—so far.
I was looking for a line in the sand—a time, a circumstance, a situation whereby I could see and identify God’s call. He showed me instead a line of faith—a line that I would have to cross in order to experience what I was asking him for. I know our prayer season was a time of uniting Christin and me. Not that I was at the line and she was not. She may have arrived at the line ahead of me. We were both at the line but at different points on the line; we had to be at the same point before we could cross together.
The difference between affirmation and confirmation became a test of faith. We would have to trust what we knew God had placed in our hearts. Confirmation would come only in obedience. I trusted God for eternal life and was trying to live for him, but I was not living by faith.
In my struggle to find resolution to this faith battle, I tried to focus on my whole life and ask, “When the time for my life to end has come and God is preparing to put a period at the end of my life sentence, will it be complete without me obeying this call? Will my life in the future make sense to me if I do not follow God in this call? Can God be glorified in my life with all the good I might be able to accomplish in the future if I do not obey him now?”